I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be a wife and mother. My entire childhood memory bank is filled with playing “here comes the bride” and “pushing the baby stroller.” I was always certain that those 2 things were things that I would always wish for in my life and eventually have. As I grew older, those dreams began to create themselves in a real way for me. I began to imagine exactly what the man would be like. Not so much what he looked like, although a big teddy bear was in the forefront, but what his character would be. For some reason, I always pictured him as someone who others needed. He was funny, kind, smart, and would love me unconditionally even when I put unbearable needs on him. In my mind, I did not create a perfect man! I created someone who was perfect for only me. I knew that we would argue because I’ll just be honest and say that I tend to like to argue. I never understood why until I realized that I was using arguing as a way to push and wanted to see how far I could get until I got pushed back. I also know that I use fights to determine how fair a person will fight, but also if I’m worth sticking around for after the fight is over. So far, this has proved to be untrue.
The having children dream came easily to me, too. I have always loved being with and around children. Holding teeny tiny babies, chasing after toddlers, and forging a relationship with all the children in my life. I’m an elementary school teacher so children are prevalent. When it comes right down to it, I spend more time with children than with anyone else. I find something unique about them all and since I love to laugh so much, children are great at bringing out that kind of joy. So needless to say, after getting married, the having children part would naturally ensue. It’s funny how my dreams haven’t really changed that much since I was young enough to still play at pretend. I still want that perfect man for me and children that I get to keep. Instead of having to send them home on the bus after school every day or leave them with their mom and dad after visiting a friend’s house. I would love to fill my Facebook up with family photos of my very busy family life. Instead my profile picture is usually a crazy spin on something fun I’ve done to fill up time in my life.
I’m sure there are millions of people who can say that they’ve prayed a lot of unanswered prayers. I guess a lot of those million can also say that they’ve prayed those same prayers for years. I’ll be honest and say that it is wearing to this Christian’s heart. I’ve tried to face life head on. I’ve smiled when I really wanted to cry and I’ve cried when I really would rather have been smiling. For the longest time, I’ve questioned whether or not my dreams/prayers were the right ones for me. I’ve wondered if there were lessons that I was supposed to be learning that just never quite got learned. I’ve thought many times that maybe I’m going about this entirely the wrong way, yet I’ll admit to not having a clue as to how to do it differently.
Recently I began thinking about how my age is changing my views on my dreams. I know that women of all ages get married and have children, but I’m beginning to wonder if either of these is right for me. The dreams are still there, but I’m thinking that time is running out. In all truth, I’ve come to realize that for me there has to be a point when I say that having children is out. I held a newborn baby tonight. Just a little over 12 hours old and while looking in his beautiful face, I wondered if I could really be a mother now. If I had enough life left to make my children’s life amazing. That may seem weird to many of you, but I have lived with diabetes for some time now. Although I would consider myself moderately healthy, I want to live with my children and not leave them living without me. I know that 33 isn’t very old or at least not as old as it used to be and I also know that women are successfully having children later in life, but for me I’m not sure that I can do it.
I’ve always held onto lots of hope. I’ve vocalized over and over that I would probably never get married in hopes that others would rally around me and say “sure you will.” Now, however, it doesn’t seem to boost my hope. Instead, I wonder if maybe I should just learn to change the dreams. For me, getting married and having children go hand in hand. I can’t do the latter without the first. So really, I feel as if 2 dreams are smoldering in the ashes. While consoling myself through this, I’ve often become bitter and bitterness leaves a terrible taste. So I struggle along trying to find peace in faking it until I feel it. I don’t want my life to be wrapped around with hurt and dread. I want a life full of laughter and joy.
Please know that I know that I am one of the most blessed people that I know. I can’t even begin to tell you how God has worked in my life. I can never repay the debt that I owe and I’m thankful that He’ll never ask me to. The overabundance in my life is so much more than the unfulfilled dreams. This I already know. Telling me that God loves me and wants the best for me is like preaching to the choir. I know this. So what am I doing?
I’m trying to match my dreams to His. I’m trying to fulfill my destiny with the one He has laid out for me. I’m trying to take deep breaths that fill my lungs. I’m trying to read my Bible. I’m trying to pray. I’m crying out for help and I’m hoping that each teardrop is its own letter to God. I’m also trying to forge new dreams in a long line of old ones. I tell you this because I desperately stand in need of prayer. I’m not afraid to ask for prayer, but I just don’t usually do it for myself. I’m asking that you stand on my behalf before a very fair and just God. I’m asking that you pray for peace in my life, for understanding of what God wants for me, and for patience to endure this life’s torments with a big smile. So that in the end, I can say I’ve fought a good fight and I’ve kept the faith.
:o)
