You're reading my blog?

I recently discovered that many more people than I thought are reading this blog.  It is so funny to think that I am in isolation when writing and sharing any information, but the truth be told there could be at least 461 people reading what I write.  (461 is the number of Facebook friends that I have and the only place that I publicize the fact that I have written something)  Anonymity sorta gives you a feeling like you are sharing your story, but that only a very limited number are actually reading it.  Sitting in my office at home gives me a feeling of being anonymous, when really I am not that at all.  Funny how my thoughts began to change when 3 people in 1 day told me that they had read this blog.  My first thought was oh goodness, should I have posted that?  It's easy to tell friends about troubles in your life or events that happen, and even funny to fill them in on craziness that comes your way, but when you post a blog you are sharing your story with so many more (possibly).  My next thought was I wonder what they think of me now?  Usually I walk around with a smile on my face and lots of laughter coming out of my lungs.  What can I say?  I am a happy person.  The credit for all of that is the Lord's.  However, there are times when it is much easier faking a smile than trying to explain a frown.  I have mastered the "poker face."

My last post was not jolly.  I know that most of my friends are used to the jolly person and I also know that my closest friends know there is much more to me than a quick smile and a loud laugh.  The funny part about this blog is that I forget that others are viewing my inner most thoughts.  Until recently, the posts were light hearted and funny because that is the best part of life.  Besides, my parents make great comedy (not on purpose) and I just want others to realize what "crazy" can look like.  So one of my readers told me that my last post made her cry.  I didn't know how to feel about that.  I don't want to make people cry over my writing.  I also don't want others to think that I am a Debbie Downer.  With that being said, I also want people to know the truth about me.

I want you to know that I am sad.  Sad about still being single.  Sad that I don't have children.  I'm struggling in a way that hurts way down deep and I am seeking answers and advice where ever possible.  Just know this, that I hope that my life continues to have lots of laughter and fun, but bare with me if it takes a slight downward slide.  I appreciate the comments that come my way and please let me know if you are reading.  There is just something about knowing that someone already knows your story that makes this intriguing.

:o|

This is not what I expected …

There are a million and one things that I could write about tonight, but for some reason this is what is on my mind.  “This” being what I have expected out of my life.  I will admit to thinking that 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago (I’ve been teaching my students to count by 5s.) I had a pretty decent life picked out for myself.  This life that I'm living is not what I expected …

One of the most vivid conversations I remember having with my grandmother on a hot summer day was my desire not to return to school.  I mentioned in passing that I wished that I never had to go back and she decided that was an opportune moment for a life lesson.  She said that I had a lot more school years left ahead of me.  I would have to go to middle school, then graduate from high school, and after that go to at least 4 years of college.  I also remember thinking in that moment that she was “crazy” and that I would never go to college.  What a shock that I now hold 4 degrees.  This is not what I expected …

I always thought that after college I would return home to the place I love most (the North Georgia mountains) and begin my teaching career at my former elementary school as a 2^nd grade teacher.  I used to imagine about a classroom of my own while I was still in elementary school myself.  I stood before a small chalkboard and mimicked the things that I heard throughout my day.  “Turn to page 54, write down the words in bold print, turn to the glossary in the back, and write the definition for each word.  When you have completed this assignment, bring it to me to check.”  I practiced this speech until it was perfected in my little voice with just the right amount of firmness and love.  Now I never get to say that.  Instead, I repeat 100 times a day, “Write your name on your paper, sit down on your behind, and STOP TALKING!”  However, for those of you who are wondering, we will get to the glossary (and its purpose) soon.  I do this all in a 1^st grade classroom in Dawson County in a school that I helped open, 8 years ago as a 2^nd year teacher.  This is not what I expected …

From a very young age, I dressed up in a white night gown that belonged to my mom and pranced around the house like a bride.  I married several different men.  The men included, but were not limited to, Scott Baio, Kirk Cameron, and in later years Dean Cain (when he was playing Superman).   I cooked dinner while taking care of the children and rode to the grocery store in my Volvo.  Really I was just playing around in my parent’s ’79 lemon yellow Toyota truck.  I married right out of college.  I had a lavish wedding with lots of guests.  Did I mention that I had at least 4 wedding showers?  We got everything we registered for.  I only worked for a few years before starting to grow our family.  We rented for a few years and then bought some property and built a huge house.  None of this has happened for me.  Instead I did not marry right out of college.  I did not get the Volvo, but I did get a Rodeo and I bought a 1970s house on a little under 2.5 acres of land that I love.  I live alone in my 3 bedroom 2 bath house with no one else’s laundry to do, but my own.   I pay all the bills with the Lord’s help and for now, the bank and I own my house.  In just under 27 years, it will all be mine!  This is not what I expected …

In my life plan at the almost tender age of 33 (my 33^rd birthday is only 6 months away), I envisioned 2 or 3 children with my last name.  By the way, while I was thinking this, I once thought it would be one boy and one girl, or one boy and 2 girls, and then it turned into 3 girls, then triplet girls, then triplets with 2 girls and a boy.  What I have instead are 17 students.  I get to celebrate some of the most amazing future champions of this world every day.  I know that one day they are going to be productive citizens that contribute to society in big and small ways, but for now I am just teaching them to read and write and learn their math facts while also teaching them empathy (this must be developed by the age of 8 or it will never come to fruition).  I get to celebrate other people’s children all the time, but none of my own.  This is not what I expected …

Life has not really turned out the way that I thought it would.  I had big dreams as a child and have seen dreams that I never dared to dream come true.  I am more blessed than anyone I know, but I will admit that there are some dreams that I am still waiting on.  This is not what I expected … It is so much more and in some ways so much less!

:o|